This is, I hope to become a collection of articles that delves deep into a car brochure for the hell of it and rightly or wrongly, considers the possibility that the copywriters might have been telling a few fibs and bending the truth along the way. Or we use some hindsight because we know, the car in question was a right old snotter that even the scrap man didn’t want to take it.
So with no further ado, let’s buy the whole:
Lancia Beta Series.
For a whole range brochure, this has to be one of the smallest in size print, being a diminutive 8” x 4” in-size. It has 14 pages.
The cover promises magic. A lonely set of keys left like the last ones found in a keys in a bowl sex party. The B for Beta on the keyring that, if held the right way, could work as a mascerade ball mask for someone with a thin face. The tagline “The Most Italian car” You open up.
It’s Lancia. It’s Italian. Very Italian. As well as the 6 Beta’s in the range, all parked haphazardly in a piazza, there is a Catholic priest looking over at four old boys enjoying the view. Thankfully for everyone, the Beta Spyder is parked so that not one of then can see the truely awful job Zegato did to the rear.
And so to the words. We have it all. Romance, rugged and value for money. Three top words used to sell a car. Here they are finishing with the Lancia tagline once again “Most Italian Car”
The next four pages are dedicated to the Beta Saloon models with typical pictures of the time, horses and airfields. On the pages dedicated to the Beta 2000 ES, there is a woman with a face like a slapped arse. It’s like she isn’t impressed by the, and get ready because we have Italian words, “Equipaggiamento Speciale”. It’s a steel sliding sunroof and distinctive alloy wheels. The same wheels you will also note on a HPE 7 pages in. What’s strange is the use of UK and Italian-registered cars. Your copywriters here talk about all the wonders of Beta ownership and the skills that went into each car.
The performance figures pages entice you as you eye up the different engines. It leaves you panging for the romance of a 2000 model. You quickly forget there was even a 1300 available. This is the same for the Coupe performance page. What is strange is the figures given for the HPE. Not as good as the coupe but better than the saloon it’s based on by 1 or 2 mph or seconds. You make of these what you can.
The following four pages are for the Coupe and 1 for the Spyder. Again it’s the Beta in period drama poses. Airfield and horses. The written words get less Italian while also being so Italian it hurts. Yes, they mention that “red-blooded Italian” There is again the use of UK and Italian-registered cars for the coupe with the promise of performance is that as you cruise at 70, all 3 coupe models have a further 30 mph more available in forward motion.
The HPE pages don’t fail to live up to what you’ve come to expect. One is parked in the woods and the other is being shown with the tailgate up and being loaded with typical Italian artifacts. What’s puzzling to read, with seats up, the HPE boot space is smaller than the coupe by 2.1 cu ft.
We end our whistle-stop tour of the Beta range with the Monte-Carlo. A car for the man whose ambition is sheer excitement first and foremost. Probably has something to do with shitting yourself due to the premature locking brakes the first of the Monte-Carlo models were known for. And we end with a Monte-Carlo on the last page driving away with the usual maker’s disclaimer that they may change stuff because they can.
All of this was set in 1977. A few years before the press reported on the bigger issue of subframe rot and the associated issues we have come to love (and hate) about Lancia. And hence why there was no talk of anti-corrosion issues or the use of that wonder Italian metal plating called zinchrometal.
That said, it was known within Lancia that the Beta had catastrophic rust issues. There was a buy-back offer from Lancia for cars if they failed the inspection. Lancia was quick to offer an industry first with a 6-year anti-corrosion warranty.
Today, few Beta’s survive. According to www.howmanyleft.co.uk the total of all models stands at just 204.