The Brochure Sniffer
This is, I hope to become a collection of articles that delves deep into a car brochure for the hell of it and rightly or wrongly, considers the possibility that the copywriters might have been telling a few fibs and bending the truth along the way. Or we use some hindsight because we know, the car in question was a right old snotter that even the scrap man didn’t want to take.
So with no further ado, let’s look at buying a:
Citroën Visa 2
Not just any Citroën Visa but the New Visa. And when I say new, I mean the Facelifted series 2. The brochure is A4 in size, 6 pages and of the fold-out variety. It also includes a leaflet with special introductory prices. This is 1981.
The front cover welcomes you to the Club. There is a Club model with its lights on parked outside an up-to-date modernist building. We think it’s modernist. If I’m honest, I don’t have much of a clue.
Inside you are enticed with 3 models: Special, Club and Super X. All taken in a blacked-out studio like some seedy strip club. Unfold the page and you are greeted with what Citroën hopes will be the big seller. The Super E. The words excite until you get near the end of the first paragraph “In a car you are proud to be seen driving, confirming that you’re moving in top circles, not economy class – only economy in price”
Oh do shut up. At the end of the second paragraph is Citroën’s trade mark “Breathtaking value for money in a top-style car. In fact, after the initial joy of looking at your potential purchase and being told you are moving in top circles, Citroen shit all over your dreams and reminds you that you’re a tight arse. 5 times they mention BARGAINS, ECONOMY and VALUE like a Cost Cutter does on fluorescent stars stuck to their own brand of vodka and gin. Thankfully the eye catching visual pleasure that is Citroën luggage, makes you go a bit sweaty in the palms like a diabetic having a hypo.
The usual blurb is there about fuel economy. They even go as far as to tell you that the Super X with its 1219cc engine is economical. Why bother with the Special? Why suffer the indignities of owning the Super E when the Super X is still as economic? The last page showing the technical specifications will soon stop you from wishing to spunk up an extra £1100 more than the special when you discover the 1219cc engine will only give you a paltry 30.7mpg around town. And if you’re a guy or gal about high-speed motoring, you’ll only make 31.4 to the gallon. The Super E, we are told will drink a gallon of fuel in about an hour at a steady 56mph. This as a fuel figure I have to say is a new one for me. Thankfully, it never really caught on.
Imagine trying to work that out today on the M25 when it comes to a halt at will. You’d like to say rush hour, an accident, through road works, but NO, that bloody road stops at will. Your gallon an hour would look quite appalling if that be the case. Might as well buy a Rolls Royce Camargue.
The end of the wording part is no better. Value For Money is in bold as a header. And it ends by telling you that you can afford a smile. For something that promised you were moving in the right circles, it soon becomes apparent. You Won’t. You’re not. You Never Will.
Today there are few surviving examples. According to www.howmanyleft.co.uk, there are 17 on the road and 95 locked away. The data for this was for the year 2022. Chances are it is less than that now.