Ever sat there and pondered the personality of your car? Something it does every so often you put down to it being it. Or not starting because it wants a rest or in a more dramatic style, needs some TLC. That TLC often means money spent but you don’t mind. This car talks to you.
Now I am aware that stating my cars talk to me does make it sound like I should be back in the asylum but bare with me and also, think about it and your car. You talk to it too. Don’t deny that!
Twitter, or more importantly ‘weird car twitter’ as it is referred to, is full of car-crazy people and a haven for us with a strange passion for some of the most ordinary cars left on the road. So I’m feeling safe being part of that to confess talking to and having full-blown conversations with the Birdy Fleet of Broken Dreams. People do this with their cats, dogs and even goldfish so don’t judge me.
The conversations I have are mostly reflective of the fleets personality even down to a sometimes obvious accent or trait at times. It’s not xenophobic but for the life of me I can’t think of the word so hopefully, someone reading this will put me right.
Barry Bus
The oldest on the fleet. I’ve had him for 14 years. In that time we have had fun and laughter, tears and anger and a Nike trainer kick mark up his side. 2013 was a bad year. So bad, it got to the point where I was on medication for anxiety (I kid you not) and could quite happily have pushed him over the cliffs of Beachy Head. I probably would have done it if I could have driven down there.
So this makes Barry the miserable one of the fleet. His German engineering will see him start every time but then just stop because he doesn’t want to go out. And this is backed up by that 2013 year having countless breakdowns on the way to the destination but NEVER on the way home. Well, maybe once.
Ask Barry to do something when out camping and you can hear the disgruntled moaning because the pop-top is up or the kettle has been left out and will fall on the floor if he drives off.
Lionel the Golf
There isn’t much to divulge about the way Lionel goes about his business. Being the GL model, he is a bit business-like. Very factual and very formal. As him to perform something and he’ll just do it. Stay parked on the drive for months and then be expected to start, he does. Very proper. Very highly efficient in his German ways.
He has broken down and been left parked on the naughty step. This happened once. I’d got home. Parked on the drive. About 20 minutes later I went to get something from the boot and an O-ring between the inlet manifold and block gave up. A mass of steam came from the bonnet. This only happened after I got home. It could be that this kind of efficiency is in-built into almost every Mk2 Golf but don’t shatter my illusion, please.
Roberto the X1/9
Yep, an Italian-sounding name for an Italian car with Italian ways. 80’s Fiat’s are not known for their faultless reliability. Ad this one has left me stranded both on the drive and at the workshop. He also tends to not like starting when he gets a little hot. For a car built in southern Europe, this can only be his Italian ways. “Itsa tooa hota. I needa resta. Roberto nota going nowa ZZZZzzzz” often comes to my head as if the car is talking to me.
There is also something quite macho-man about Roberto. Drive fast and he loves it. Concentrate and guide him gently through the corners and he’ll reward you with a marvellous driving experience. Miss-use him and he’ll try and kill you in a corner. He has a way of keeping you on your toes. He also demands one costly repair a year. That is how it has felt in the 9 years I’ve been his custodian.
Bobby Berlingo
Now here is the good boy of the fleet. The one that is voiced a bit like the Moog from Willow the Wisp. Ask anything of Bobby and he’ll gladly do it. No fuss and no drama. Just A to B motoring with what feels like an old friend.
We often talk about Bob’s simple ways and it must be in some part a Berlingo thing because everyone seems to have a friendly Berlingo.
Terry the Terra
He does live up to the name. It’s not very Spanish sounding I grant you but Terry is a terror. A vehicle so awful to drive any great distance that you don’t. Instead, you leave him to sleep in a perpetual siesta time.
Every day seems to be siesta time for the Terra. The road from purchase to various repairs has been littered with many siesta times around the country roads of Surrey. And many times Bobby has had to come to his rescue. Even on purchase day, the drive home had Bob come to the rescue!
Ask Terry to go places and you can hear the voice and reasoning that the expected 8-mile drive to the DIY store is too far and that taking Bobby would be better.
The Douglas Special
It’s too early to say how this one will behave. As a Herbie replica, I’m hoping for, if not secretly wishing for some crazy tales to tell. But he’s not the Walt Disney Herbie. He’s a car and called the Douglas because while he sits there in his original Bahamas Blue paint, calling him Herbie is a bit shit.
I’ve only driven Douglas a few times and in those times he has been quicker than he should be, got a little light on the rear coming out of a junction and belched out a lot of smoke over the Tesla driving behind us. Certainly sounds like it is going to be an adventure. So we’ll see how this one goes.
Talk Talk
So get out there and talk to your fleet. Remember, inanimate objects are sometimes the best ones to ask because they ALWAYS give you the answer you want even if you don’t want that answer. Anyway, must dash, there is a van outside and some men in white coats. Wonder what they could be wanting?