Owning Your Hero
They say never meet your hero and yet Bonnie Tyler held out for hers. I’ve paid out for mine. But could paying out for one like a high-class rentboy with a cocaine chaser to follow be worth the financial hassle? I set myself a task to find out.
At some point in my life, this was going to happen. I was to have my own Herbie. I’ve been hooked on VW Beetles since watching The Love Bug film. I was Beetle crazy throughout my teen years. At school, everything was Volkswagen. English exams evolved around VW and there was no letting up on VW in art class. If I could have used Volkswagen in science I think I would have!
Classic Dreams
It’s difficult to say why we buy a classic car. Is it because of the emotion or could it be that we like them? There are 4 on the Birdy Fleet of Broken Dreams that have been on a wish list at some point in my life. The Beetle was the first automotive aspiration I ever had.
Little did I know back then just how ruddy awful they were. VW must have done something right because they kept selling them. 21.5 million people can’t be wrong.
I’ve driven Beetles in the past. Mostly customers so I’ve never pushed them. They are an acquired taste of noise, failed ergonomics and cramped accommodation. And that’s just 3 of the problems to start with. Running under his own power, I’m now able to drive my own Beetle with some gusto.
Beetles Are Shit Right?
Ergonomics in a Beetle are not what anyone would put up with today. Heater controls are a mix of building familiarity and hope. The controls for heat volume and distribution rest between the front seats. It’s here that you start to admire the Beetle. It has heating in the rear. 2 outlets under the seat. It’s quite a novel thing even now in 2024. You never got this in an Allegro but you did in a Citroën Visa. The Citroën CX didn’t have this feature!
But then there is the accommodation. Designed by Ferdinand Porsche, it was to cocoon a family of 5. The rear is cramped and the legroom is short. The luggage area behind the rear seat, while reasonably generous, is awkward to get at. And don’t mention the boot upfront. That’s just as awkward, small and back-breaking to load anything into.
The driving position is certainly a position too. I’ve not seen it in the Kama Sutra but I’m sure something similar is there. You get into a different mindset to appreciate these things because once you have gotten a few miles under your belt in a Beetle. Dare I say it, but you start to admire some of its antiquated ways.
Sideways and Wobbly
The steering wheel is both massive in diameter and thinly constructed. Despite the use of a steering box instead of a rack of any kind, you soon learn the steering is quite direct in feel and manoeuvrability. With no weight up front, the steering is light and easy to twirl at any speed. And this is quite handy because the backend is polar opposites to the front. It’s all heavy and tail-happy.
My Beetle might wear racing numbers, be an actual racing car (I know it’s not) but the handling is not that of a race car. It can best be described as “enjoyable at any speed as long as it’s reasonable”
You read road tests of the time telling you about the handling. You watch the old films on YouTube of them on the race track falling over. Despite Douglas being a notch lower and wearing 215 section tyres on the rear when standard Beetles wore 155’s, it doesn’t take much provocation to get the back twitching. When the roads are mildly moist, it’s even worse.
Meet The Fans
No one ever tells you what it’s like to own your hero. When you get a motorised hero on the road, It’s not just your hero anymore. This is one thing people forget to mention. It’s another person’s hero too. And here is where it gets strange in a couple of ways.
For a start, there are those you meet who only know of the white Beetle. You learn quickly that they are not super fans but merely admirers of the car. They don’t notice the mistakes or the self-made easter eggs you dotted around the car.
And then there are the obsessives. The ones who will tell you more often than not, what you’ve done that’s wrong. Never what’s right. I don’t think there is much fun in congratulating people for just enjoying the moment anymore.
You quickly learn which fan is which and what to do. Take the couple who came onto my driveway to look at Douglas. They knew their car culture. The wife had a great understanding of that murderous Plymouth, Christine. Lovely couple, could have invited them in for coffee.
Either way, you learn to accept these people as individuals as every Herbie that has ever been created. We are but just people. Beetles are just Beetles.
Away From the Silver Screen
This is now your time to get away from it. What is mentioned above is more so when you stop. On the road, away from the crowds, it becomes just you and your hero. Here is where, for me at least, the magic begins. It’s just me behind the wheel of my hero. Something I’ve waited 44 years for. And I tell you, It feels fucking amazing. I have to pinch myself.
All cars are different. As Jim said “They make a million cars and 1 or 2 of them turn out to be special” In actual fact, all cars are special. They develop their own idiosyncrasies. You can build these out of the car but where is the fun in doing that to all of them?
At the moment, Douglas has a glovebox lid that comes open and an off-side front indicator that occasionally stops working. There is also the famous Beetle door slam. I thought I’d get away with it because my door seals are not complete. No, it turns out Beetles are air tight even if they are not. It’s silly thing like these. Some annoy and some just make me (dramatic pause)
It’s here that I stopped writing.
I stopped writing as I pondered on this. It’s difficult to put into words. Herbie is my automotive hero. I don’t want to sound overly big headed. I also don’t want to offend the little car. I’m struggling to come up with a way of closing this article. I suppose I’m still a little shell shocked in having actually done it but also seeing the reaction he has on others. I took him to work as my commuter car. The office went mad.
People stop and stare. They shout out to you or better still, to Herbie. They smile and wave. I’ve never had a car do this to people before. He even got papped near home. The poster popped it on a local Facebook feed. Made her families day seeing him.
To me, Herbie or Douglas as I’ll forever call him, is just that. My Douglas. Your Herbie. And despite him being a Volkswagen Beetle, he isn’t just any VW Beetle. No Beetle is JUST a VW Beetle. Like Charlie’s Angles, each one is unique.
Strength Through Joy
By the time you read this, I’ll have done over 300 miles in my Herbie Beetle and I can no longer say that it’s because it looks like Herbie that I’ve become smitten. Yes, Beetles are awful. They have many flaws. More than most. But they are all about the flaws and imperfections. I think I’ve been bitten by the bug. That noise, that lack of space. Who cares? I mean, I’m never going to travel in the back of this thing. These things are just bloody amazing. Both in what they do and the love people have for them.
So has this been more fun than an ‘imaginary’ night with high class rentboy in a top-notch London hotel and a bag of Columbian marching powder? To say I could have got change from the above goes some way to show how much meeting, greeting and owning my hero has cost me. But worth it?. Yes with a question mark. Both being in the honeymoon period and I’m still learning his strange ways and sometimes I feel he is learning mine too.
Now to meet my next hero. Is abduction frowned upon these days? I’m his NUMBER 1 fan you know!
